Awareness

The ABCs of Behavior Change (TM) – for habits that stick

 

Let me state for the record that though there is a huge focus on making resolutions, I think the new year is one of the toughest times to adopt a new behavior. Many of us have just come through holidays when schedules were thrown to the wind, indulgences beckoned at every turn, and in the northern hemisphere, the days were dark and cold. There is less energy and momentum for the kinds of changes that people generally like to make which are most often about health and self-improvement.1 On top of that, we just have just come through 2020, the year which seemed to laugh in the face of goal setting.

That said, a recent survey reveals 74% of adult Americans are starting the year off with a resolution (up 15% from the year prior), and a full 55% think they will follow through.2 While 77% of people can make the desired change for a week, research shows only 19% of people can hold onto their changes for two years.3 Not surprisingly, both the percentage of people who make resolutions and the conviction in upholding them both decline with age.4

There are excellent books on the topic of making a habit stick, such as Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit which analyzes the process of habit, and more recently, James Clear’s Atomic Habits, with steps for each part of the habit loop. To summarize, you need a trigger that is obvious, a desire to engage in the act, a low barrier to action, and gratification upon completion.

Through coaching hundreds of people wanting to be either more organized or more productive, I noticed challenges in a slightly different way and offer a model to help, The ABCs of Behavior Change™. It offers five progressive steps to bring more commitment to the change you want to make and set you up for success.

Before getting into the techniques of implementing a specific change we must connect deeply with why it matters. If that connection to reason is missing, you might get started on a change due to some external motivation, and this may be enough for some people who fall into Gretchen Rubin’s tendencies driven by others’ expectations (read Gretchen’s book The Four Tendencies for more on this), but it may not enough to make it stick for the long term. Let’s dive in!

 

The ABCs of Behavior Change

A – Acknowledge

Acknowledge and accept the advantage the change will bring you. If you are still doubting, dig deeper to understand how the action will really help you. Do you truly buy into the benefit? What other questions need answering?

 

B – Believe

Believe that you are worth it. Making a change might mean putting yourself first and setting boundaries. For some, this is very uncomfortable. Are you ready to dance in discomfort? Can you give yourself permission to take action?

 

C – Cultivate

Cultivate an environment that encourages and supports you in making the change. This includes your physical environment and the people around you. Do you feel supported? Will you ask for what you need?

 

D – Defend

Defend, with grace, the boundaries you rely on to follow through on the change. Play with and practice respectful language to help others understand your priorities. Become more and more comfortable saying no. How will you play a graceful defense?

 

E – Engage

Engage deeply in the moment you complete the action. Note how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Let the positive feelings you discover be your intrinsic motivation inspire you to take action again. Will you stop and tune in?

 

Move through each of these steps to build a happy habit – one that you look forward to completing. If for some reason you break the chain, engage in this bonus step.

F – Forgive

Forgive yourself for not sticking to the change you wanted to make, but don’t stop there. Figure out which one of the first five steps wasn’t setting you up for success. Go back to that step, re-examine it, reconnect with it or adjust and move forward.

 

SOURCES

  1. Top New Year resolutions

The data is based on an online survey of 1,790 US adults born between 1928 to 2002 commissioned by Finder and conducted by Pureprofile in September 2020. Participants were paid volunteers.

New Year’s resolution statistics

  1. Percent making resolutions

https://www.finder.com/new-years-resolution-statistics

 

  1. New Year resolution failure rate

Norcross, J C, and D J Vangarelli. “The resolution solution: longitudinal examination of New Year’s change attempts.” Journal of substance abuse vol. 1,2 (1988): 127-34. doi:10.1016/s0899-3289(88)80016-6

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2980864/

 

 

  1. New Year Resolutions and Conviction by Generation

New Year’s resolution statistics

 

If you’re looking for support in making a change, I offer private and group coaching for individuals and leaders.  I invite you to book a call with me to explore.

Be Kind to Yourself in Your New Year Reflections

The end of a year and certainly a decade (whether technically it is the end or not, it is perceived to be, and that is what matters) for many of us is a time to reflect and set intentions for the upcoming year.

 

My wish for you is that you be kind to yourself in this process and to stay in a place of noticing rather than judging.

 

If you’re like me some of the important things you intended to accomplish this year did not happen. Here’s an example: I am still in the midst of writing a book that has been an active project for the past couple of years. Three things have affected the pace of its genesis.

 

1. Respecting capacity

I have significantly reduced the amount of time I spend working. As an entrepreneur faced with messages that growth is imperative and I must hustle, I’ve instead worked hard to replace FOMO – the fear of missing out, with JOMO – the joy of missing out. Honestly, I now say, “Chuck hustle!”.  Use a stronger word if it moves you.

 

As some of you know, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis five years ago. Strange and telling symptoms showed up two years prior to that, leaving me in pain and robbing me of sleep. MS is a strange disease that shows up differently in each person. I have made significant changes in the past few years to not only help me live with the disease when it rears its ugly head but to proactively keep myself as healthy as I can. This may help explain my increased focus on wellness and the development of Productivity Table Stakes™. I am my own guinea pig, testing strategies and sharing what I’ve learned.

 

I credit living well with MS to fiercely protecting sleep, exercising every day, aiming for rich nutrients per bite and doing my best to avoid stress. All these efforts take consistent efforts of time, energy and attention, the most easily controlled parts of STEAM Resources™ (Space, Time, Energy, Attention, Money). The bottom line is that to keep being of value and giving to others, I have to honour my capacity and make sure I don’t run out of STEAM.

 

Permission granted to honour my capacity.

 

2. Measuring the right things

As I was writing part two of the book, I realized I needed more research on the concepts I wanted to share. New information is always being created so I knew at some point I would have to cut off my reading and come back to writing. What I noticed though, is that while I measured the words I wrote and counted them as real results, I wasn’t taking stock of the vast literature I’d been reading. That counts, too, and will make the book a richer read. Reframing has helped. I’ve also listened to other authors share their process (Tim Ferris and Susan Cain have a fabulous podcast episode on this and speaking, as well. Link below.). Tim does all his research and then sits down to write. Perhaps that would have been smoother, but you don’t know what you don’t know.

 

Permission granted to take the time it needs to craft a useful book that will serve readers for the long term.

 

3. Investing in what’s truly important

As I’ve been learning in my research around Connection, one of the Productivity Table Stakes. Humans are hard-wired for connection. The amount though varies per person, right my lovely introverts? Humans are alike in so many ways, but as we dig a bit deeper, we have incredible differences that deserve respect.

 

I left my marriage over three years ago largely for lack of connection. My ex is a loving father and man of integrity but our connection styles never meshed. Living on my own, I found myself feeling lonely last year. After returning from a trip to India in which I was surrounded by family, it was evident to me that I need to have more meaningful, regular connections with people who matter to me.

 

My kids (and my beloved pets) stay with their dad, a decision which some viewed negatively rather than understanding it is what works best for our family so I live alone. As a solopreneur, when not with clients my work life is also spent alone. While this allows me the peace I need to hold onto my creative energy and avoid the taxes of navigating a busy city, I realized I had to make a more consistent effort to be with people and enjoy valuable social connections.

 

And, so I did. I reprioritized nurturing relationships this year. I invited people more. I said yes to time with people just to interact rather than achieve a goal. I participated more fully with my speaking network. Social media was and continues to be part of my life as it helps to build and maintain these connections (although has its rabbit hole risks, so I discovered it was important to set some time limits!)  Perhaps most significantly, I was blessed to have swiped right at the end of May and met my loving partner, Jacques.

 

When I left my marriage, I knew I wanted what I call a “Chapter Two” to include a strong, loving relationship with someone I celebrate and who celebrates me for who I am, not some version they hope I will be. I have been revelling in being in love and being loved for the past seven months.

 

Permission granted to invest in relationships that matter.

 

I was joking last night at my friends’ annual New Year’s Eve party that we might be served by posting more about the things we intended to accomplish but hadn’t achieved. This year there will definitely be more of those.

 

As you take stock of the past year and decade, definitely celebrate what are you proud of. For those things that didn’t get done, can you celebrate the choices you made?

 

What intentions will you set? And perhaps most importantly, what will you give yourself permission for this year?

 

As always, Tune In before you Lean In.

 

With love and good wishes for sculpting a rich life.

 

Thanks for a prompt from my sister this morning, I’ll leave you with this, one of my favourite songs, “Life’s what you make it” from Talk Talk.

 

 

Notes:

  1. Tim Ferris’ podcast 357 with Susan Cain, author of Quiet.

I work with individuals and organizations to deliver sustainable performance.   Book a Discovery Call to find out more about working together.

How and Why to Choose a Focus Word of the Year

With the start of a new year, it is a natural time for reflection, celebration, and forethought to the year ahead. Many of us will be thinking about New Year resolutions, which I’d prefer to reframe as intentions, but they too often get dismissed after a few days or if you’re lucky weeks. Yes, I believe in setting goals for the year, in six different areas of life (as described in The LifeTime Management Playbook™), and this selection of the powerful, Focus Word of the Year is in addition to that more detailed, recurring planning exercise. Stay with me – I promise it’s worth it. If you were to do one thing related to planning right now, this should be it.

 

Why choose a Focus Word?

When I first learned of the practice (from a source I can’t remember or would gladly credit), my goal was to choose one word to keep top of mind throughout the year as an overarching theme to serve as a powerful tool for focusing intention, guiding attention and ultimately shaping execution. It has had such a strong impact I now consider it a ritual for this time of year.

A word is sometimes about doing, but more often it’s about a way of doing or being. It has the ability to guide your thinking and ultimately your actions. It recurs in your mind to keep you attentive to that which you have decided warrants your energy and resources. It serves as a powerful reminder of how you want to show up.

It’s not a foolproof strategy, for sure, but if I slipped, just keeping the word in mind helped me check in to see how I had missed living my intentions, and prompted me to think about what I might do differently in a similar situation should it arise again. It can quickly centre you and bring you back to intention.

Consider choosing a word more of a foundation. To find your Powerful Focus Word, you will have to dig a little deeper. Your word only has to be meaningful to you and you can keep it completely to yourself if you wish. I did that for the first year.

 

Why just one?

I’ve seen the practice become more popular in the past year with some people choosing one word, and others three or more. Choosing one word is perhaps more difficult than choosing several words, but ultimately for me, has greater impact, and is simpler to apply. If you have more words, you will have to move between them and apply your resources to all. This is how we have to manage things to successfully integrate life, after all. For me, landing on one word has a simplicity and elegance which I crave, and the constraint forces deeper thinking and some tough choices.

That said, one word often has several partner words which go along with it. Find the cluster of related words which help give the depth of meaning you are looking for. This might make it easier to land on one. That word cluster ought to feel like a nourishing broth from which you’ll drink, daily.

As with most things, there is no one way. I invite you to explore the idea and find what works for you. Start with one and if it feels like that isn’t enough, keep going.

 

Does the word only last a year?

Thankfully, no. Powerful words linger. Even though I focused on one word per year, with each it was merely the beginning of a journey in relationship to that word. Learning and experimentation continue. I continue to aspire to the words I chose previously, though more subconsciously now. It feels as if I have absorbed them into my way of being. On my best days, anyway!

 

How to choose your word

Get ready for some extreme self-reflection and simmering. For the past month, I’ve been thinking about my Focus Word for the year. When I come up with something that seems like a fit, I let my mind dance with it, applying it to various situations and feel what it inspires. I tune into how my body reacts. Some words feel onerous and constrictive, whereas others feel motivating. Don’t be afraid to let go of a word and move on. Look for a word you’ll like to tango with this year. One which will lead you towards good things.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to generate your own Powerful Focus Word. To get to your word, you will want to combine careful thought and idea incubation. Let a few words come to you. Feel the word. You’ll know when you’ve hit the right one.

Careful Thought

1.      If you could skip ahead a year and reflect on 2019, what would you like to be proud of?

2.      If you’ve set goals for the year, is there a word that could serve as a foundation to that success?

3.      Are there moments from the past you wish you could have handled better? What word comes up to help support shifts in a positive direction?

4.      Who inspires you? What word describes them?

 

Idea Incubation

1.      How do you feel when you think of this word?

2.      Does this word apply broadly to your life? The more areas for which it is useful, the more powerful the word.

3.      Are you ready for this word? Is this the right year for it, or will it serve you better later?

 

Make the word part of your day

A word will only be useful to you if you hold it in your mind. Here are a few ideas for you:

1.      Write the word in a prominent place – by your bed, bathroom mirror, in your daily planner, incorporate it into jewelry or a piece of art

2.      Incorporate the word in a daily meditation

3.      Journal with the word in mind. Set an intention every morning with respect to the word. Reflect each night on how you showed up. Celebrate the wins. Learn from the challenges.

4.      Tell others about your word – incorporate it in regular meetings with your coach, good friends or therapist

For those who are curious, my Focus Words of the Year have been

2015 – Replenish (Cluster words: heal, rest, rejuvenate)

2016 – Transform (Cluster words: change, reinvent, progress)

2017 – Grace (Cluster words: calm, strength, serenity)

2018 – Cultivate (Cluster words: grow, nourish, feed)

2019 – Trust (Cluster words: believe, faith)

 

What word will you choose, and why? Go ahead and send me a tweet!

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I speak and coach to inspire sustainable performance. Find out more at www.clarekumar.com

5 Reasons We Hang on to Things

How good are you at letting things go? You’ve probably noticed quite a continuum between those who almost compulsively get rid of things and many who have trouble letting go.

I have a confession to make – one you may not expect to hear. I tend to keep things. It may be because I moved a lot growing up – ten schools in all, or cultural influences, perhaps my personality, I’m not sure why. I sometimes have to have the conversations with myself that I have with my clients!

When does not letting go matter? Our ability to hang onto possessions is really limited by the space we have to store them and by the time and energy it takes to maintain them. If your things are getting in the way of the life you desire to live, if you’re finding that you can’t use your space the way you would like to, then you will want to explore ways to help you let go.

In this article we’ll look at some reasons why we feel compelled to keep things. Often people keep items because of:

Sentimental Value

Objects engage our emotions through all our senses. They can bring back memories which we’re afraid will slip from mind if we don’t keep the trigger. They may be things we put a lot of time and effort in and we want to honour that. Or they may be things that belonged to a loved one that really remind us of them.

Potential Value

These are the items that we see future worth in. The “I could” factor comes into play. I could make a quilt with these scraps of fabric. I could take these postcards and tickets and make a scrapbook. My grandkids could play with these toys.

Current Value

Items that were expensive to purchase and that still have life in them are sometimes difficult to part with even if we are no longer using them. This occurs regularly when people move from one place to another. Furniture from one place may simply not fit in the next, but since it is valuable or seemingly expensive to replace, it stays.

Guilt Value

These are all the things that you are given that you feel compelled to keep. You may even feel you must display them so you don’t hurt someone else’s feelings when they drop by for a visit.

Identity Value

Items related to activities you used to do can bring back the past. If they take up too much space there is a danger that they will keep you from embracing who you are today and who you can be tomorrow.

PRODUCTIVITY TRUTH: If your things are getting in the way of the life you desire to live, explore ways to help you let go.

Book a discovery call with Clare? Click here to contact me.